Do People Really Change? (And a Poem)

Here is a question I’ve been pondering for awhile. Can people change? Do they change? I’ve asked a couple of people, who were quick to say yes. But I’m doubtful. I come from a family of seven, worked with children for longer than I’ve been a child, I’ve been raising my own children for almost 13 years, been married for almost 18. I’ve observed alot of living. I’ll turn 40 in a few weeks and I’m also wondering: Who am I and what am I capable of? Can I change? I feel very much like a little girl, and it’s a bit shocking that I’ve lived 40 years already! Supposedly this is midlife, but it still feels like the beginning. I still love the feel of wind in my face, I love the fantasy and romance of a good story, I love making things with my hands, I love sweets and dislike eating vegetables-all that was true of me from my childhood.

There is a passage in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5:17 that has some astounding words: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come.” Frankly, this astonishes me, and there is so much in this statement, I cannot even begin to unpack it. Additionally, there is another verse in Ephesians (2:10) that says, “for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” This implies we have been made in a specific way for a specific and direct purpose. Furthermore, Acts 17:24-28 says, “The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for “‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said,“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’” I was not an accident, and neither are you.

Sometimes I observe others and wish I was different. I get jealous and want to have what others have, do what others do; deep down, my jealousy stems from wanting to be different. I am dissatisfied with what I have and who I am; I desire to change into what I’m not. What am I denying in myself? If I really believed in the Bible, why should I want to be anything different than what I am intended for? Look around! The world is amazing! Am I not part of that too? I see it! Those words above are incredibly beautiful and valuable, even without adding Psalm 139 in the mix.

These questions are probably not surprising to anyone older than I, who has also wrestled with the same questions about their purpose. I’m wondering, Should I continue being a teacher? Can I be creative? Could I do something that I love, even if it provides only benefit for me? Should I? I see how my personality has dictated many of my life choices, and I also see the truth of gospel that I believe in. I’m disappointed in things. I’m amazed at what the Bible teaches, and who Jesus is. Deep down, I’m trying to make sense of who I am and what my practical next steps are, while still navigating the world I find myself in.

There is no conclusion here, or answers. If you’re interested, I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote back in October:

The Little Girl

The little girl

Inside my body

Is very much alive.

She, who

Longs to be delighted in

Chased after and discovered

Looking to be smiled to, and

Welcomed.

To share in golden secrets

Her face still lifts to the rain

And smiles at the sun

And opens her arms

To embrace the wind.

She still marvels at the moving shadows

Or patterns on an insect wing.

The life flowing in a leaf

And the soft brush of a

Velvet petal

I asked my husband if

He thought people could change

And he said yes.

Have I changed?

And he said yes.

In what way?

And he said nevermind.

Sometimes I think I’d rather

Take a punch

Because then I could see

My bruises heal.

How do you know when you heal

After being dismissed?

The little girl I once was

Is still the same

Only she is hidden

Behind hurts,

Under burdens and

Piles of laundry.

Wishing for an adventure to go on

A friend to laugh with

A boy to challenge

Or a free afternoon to spend

Looking at the sky

Marveling at the beauty

Of life.

Butterfly Wing Photo by © Mark L https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddaybuff/

Eating Bon-Bons and Watching Soap Operas

This is what my sister-in-law jokingly said she was going to do when all her kids were finally in school.  For the first time in my adult life, I do not have the responsibility of taking care of children during the day.  As an elementary school teacher right out of college, I spent 5 years hanging out with 5^th graders.  Then, two days after school let out, I gave birth to my first child.  Over the next 12 years, I’ve been full time caring for them, in addition to using my skills in various roles through my church, volunteering and teaching in part-time capacities. 

The year Covid-19 hit, I had already begun to plan and get excited about the year that was supposed to be “mine”.  I interviewed for a good job which I intended to take, but God had other plans for my life.  When my youngest was a kindergartner, I found myself homeschooling her alongside my 3^rd and 4^th grader.  Last year, when she went into 1^st grade, I found myself in the classroom full-time again.  I took a job I never intended to take, in the hopes that my children would be in a school that more closely aligned with our values.  It was God’s work in our family, which is an excellent story for another day.

Now, this year, after quitting that teaching job, I find many people asking me, “What are you going to do now?”  The answer I have been giving: I have no idea.  To tell you the truth, the last two years have left me completely dehydrated.  I’ve been feeling like one of those crusty old raisins you might find in a dark corner of your pantry or underneath your van seat.  I need rehydrating.

I wish I could say that I knew what was next for me, but I don’t.  I am truly grateful for my supportive husband and some time to really prioritize things that are important to me.  Here are some of the goals I have for myself that I am working towards right now:

1. Exercise regularly
2. Spend time in God’s word and in prayer regularly
3. Take care of some home repairs we haven’t been able to complete yet
4. Complete/work towards my creative projects
5. Connect with friends
6. Investigate other job avenues (part-time…got any suggestions?)

So here’s me putting it out there; I am not eating bon-bons or watching soaps (neither is my sis-in-law), but I am using this time to serve my family better, reconnect with God, and rest.  This morning I re-read what became my life verse back when I was a teenager: Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I have gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  -Jesus 

I praise God for this year!

Remember these guys? Thinking of raisins always reminds me of my brother and listening to their music in his bedroom as a kid. Ha!

Leaving a Legacy (2)

After writing my last post, I tried to think of what my parents wanted to pass on to me.  I’m not sure what the answer is, but here are a few of the good things that they taught me:

1. God is in control (and he is good)-This has been proven over and over again in my family.

2. Make wise choices-I think both of my parents taught me this in different ways, from my dad reading me Psalm 1 to my mom teaching me about what it means to be a woman.  I probably also got the luxury of seeing my older brothers make mistakes and cause my parents grief over it.

3. We are blessed to be a blessing-my dad drilled this into my head, and always showed by example that people are more important than money.

4. When cleaning, always be thorough.  (Thanks mom…if only I had learned to do it more frequently!)

5. Have fun when competing.  I think my dad passed this along, because he always played games for fun.

6.  Eat your vegetables.  (But a treat is okay sometimes, too.)

7.  My parents are always there  for me, even if our family was a little broken.

8.  Work is secondary to enjoying life.  I think I learned this because dad was always free to take vacation days for whatever, and mom tried to keep me as young as possible by not letting me get a job until I was over 16.  “She has her whole life to work,” I believe is what she said.

I know there are many other things, but these were the things that popped into my head.  I’d be interested, Ben, Becky…anyone else in the family, to see what you would say???

What did your parents teach you?

Leaving a Legacy

Well, I’m trying to do a post a week, so today I’m going to write out something I’m a little excited about.  Matt and I started a parenting class last night at Bannockburn church called the Legacy Breakthrough class.   It’s only four weeks but the premise is how to raise your children with intention.  One of the first things that the pastor mentioned last night was that good parenting doesn’t just happen-it takes being intentional and purposeful in how you want to raise your kid.  I don’t know from experience, but I agree that is probably true.  It’s definitely easy to be a bad parent, that’s for sure!

What really excites me is that this class is kind of like setting goals and planning, two of the things I’m pretty lousy at but really want to improve in.  I think that if I improve in these two areas, it will pave the way for me to improve in a lot of other areas of life (discipline, follow through, finishing things, challenging myself, etc). How can I accomplish anything if I don’t have a plan?  Exactly.

Growing up so quickly!

Last night our homework was to think of some things that we really want to pass on to our kids.  When Caleb leaves for college, what do Matt and I really want him to know?  Here are some of the things we came up with:

1. How to have a close personal relationship with Jesus

2. That we love him no matter what

3. How to live with integrity

4. How to make wise decisions

5. How to manage money well

6. How to care for others

There were more we wrote down, but I can’t remember at the moment.  I think this is definitely a challenge, because I’m (and probably Matt) still learning how to do these things myself.  I’m no expert.  It will be interesting to look back in 18 years and evaluate if we were able to do these things or not.   My thought is that it will probably take me learning how to do #1 well along with a lot of prayer.

What would you want to pass on to your kids?

Faith

A few weeks back, I wrote a few words about how I often struggle with doubt.  I’ve been wanting to follow up with one about faith, but it just wasn’t right until now.

Last night in small group, one of our discussion questions was asked: What has God been teaching you?   I admit I didn’t answer, because my answer was “I don’t know.”  I feel ashamed to say this, because it means either (1.) I’m not listening, or (2.) God’s not trying to teach me anything.  I don’t think it’s #2.

I’ve been reading through the Psalms (slowly), and each day I pick one verse from the Psalm that really speaks to me.  This morning I was amazed to go back and see all of the verses I’ve written down.  Most of them say things about how good God is to us, how great He is, and how right it is for us to follow Him.

I’m not sure if I could verbalize what God wants me to learn (there is probably alot),but one thing I want to learn was summed up nicely in the verse I picked for Psalm 37:

Psalm 37:3  “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”

In the sub notes in my Bible, it said that “cultivate faithfulness” could also be translated as “feed on His faithfulness”.  I like this verse because of it’s simplicity.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do and be, and when I clearly don’t measure up, I doubt that God would still love me.  But He does!  Jesus is the perfect example of His love for us, not to mention all the blessings he gives us now.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed when I really think about how good God is.  I don’t understand His love.  It is above me.

When deciding names to name our son, Caleb was the first one we agreed on.  It was important to me that his name have a special meaning.  Caleb means “faithful”.  I hope that he is a reminder to me of God’s faithfulness, a reminder to me to strive to remain faithful, and something to teach Caleb about as well.

Matthew 17:20 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

In another part of the Bible, Jesus also compares the kingdom of God to a mustard seed, “which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade.” (Mark 4:31-32)

I think faith might be like that.  Small at first, but able to grow.  So, I guess what I really want to learn is how to grow in my faith.  It just might be that this is also what God wants to teach me about, and that would be a good thing.